Family Addictions Counseling Online

Example of Online family addictions counseling

2009-10-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

Here is an example of a question from a family member and the response from Jan Williams:

Question

I will try to make this as short as possible without leaving anything out. I have been married for 34 years to an alcoholic. He has quit several times only to go back again. beer mostly. 15 years ago he was into cocaine and alcohol and was very abuse both verbally and physically to me. I have called the police on him several times. I don't know why I stayed but I did.*** Things are better but he is still a closet drinker, hiding it from me and everyone else. He no longer physically abuses me but still verbally. very jealous, accuses me of everything etc***he usually gets very aggressive and starts fights and arguments with everyone and goes after me with his harsh words. I threatened to leave him several times and he swore he would give up the booze but I know he is still drinking. He denies it and covers it with lie after lie. I am at the point I need to do something. Please Help.

Answer

It is indeed painful and frustrating watching a loved one's drinking destroy himself and emotionally damage those who love him, and you have done so for all these years. You must be very weary from this long history of living with an alcoholic. Unfortunately, the power of the disease of alcoholism is such that rarely will any alcoholic decide to seek help and abstinence without negative consequences and usually a lot of pain, to him, not just those around him. Usually, the alcoholic's denial is such that he can rationalize that the only person he is hurting is himself (never true, of course). Denial and the power of addiction can cause the alcoholic to continue to drink in the face of the circumstances you describe. I offer denial and the power of addictive disease only as an EXPLANATION of your husband's hurtful behaviors, NOT as an excuse for them.

I have several suggestions. I suggest that you think about meeting with an interventionist (see, for example, http://www.intervention.com/; http://www.intervene.com/) to discuss an intervention to get your husband to agree to treatment, perhaps including your adult children in the process. One of the goals of an intervention would be to help your husband to develop an awareness at a feeling level of how his drinking has hurt you and his children. Treatment programs often will offer intervention services for free, but, of course, will guide the alcoholic to treatment in their particular facility.

No one can control whether an alcoholic drinks or how much the alcoholic drinks. I strongly suggest that you think about attending meetings of Al-Anon, http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/, the Twelve Step Program for persons who love an alcoholic, to learn how not to enable your spouse's continuing to drink, and for support for yourself. Good luck.

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC.
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com

Alcoholism and depression--dual diagnosis

2009-07-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Alcoholism and depression--dual diagnosis

Here are my ideas on dual diagnosis, also called comorbidity. 85 to 90 percent of alcoholics, depending on the population, do NOT have a coexisting (or pre-existing) mental health disorder such as depression. Often any depression or anxiety is due to the CNS depressant effects of chronic excessive alcohol use, which will dissipate with a substantial period of abstinence. If an individual has both depression and alcoholism, obviously, if the depression is severe enough to endanger the person through suicide or self-harm, then the depression will need to be stabilized immediately. However, talk therapy or even antidepressant medications for the depression will often NOT be very effective if the alcoholic continues to drink. So, generally, absent danger-to-life issues, the alcoholism should be treated first, that is, the drinking stopped and alcoholism treatment completed. Usually, if the depression is related to the alcoholism, it will not be a problem after 30 days of sobriety and treatment. Check out my website for more information and professional help.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
443-610-3569

Just for today

2009-04-14T08:52:00.001-07:00

Just for today: this phrase is a powerful one to keep in mind for anyone seeking recovery from addiction, or the effects of addiction in a loved one. Just for today I can handle life's challenges without doing anything harmful to me such as picking up a drink or a drug, or trying to focus on controlling another's behavior. Breaking down my problems to those I must address today, means I need not waste too much of my precious energy looking at the past or future.

spirituality

2008-11-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people are turned off by recovery in the Twelve Step Programs such as Al-Anon because of issues they may have with organized religion. The strength of 12 Step Programs is that they urge each individual to develop his/her own understanding of a source of spiritual strength. Perhaps the best place to start, I think, is with the willingness to be open to the support of others in recovery in Al-Anon who have learned how to maintain emotional balance even though affected by a relationship with an alcoholic. The strength of the group can be the foundation of spiritual growth.

Courage to change the things I can

2008-08-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

The Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. How does an individual in recovery find the courage mentioned in this prayer? As with most aspects of recovery, developing the "courage to change the things I can" is an ongoing process. The progress that you can achieve will most often come from improving and strengthening your relationship with your source of spiritual strength, your Higher Power. Ways to improve and strengthen that relationship include use of daily spiritual disciplines (morning and nightly prayer, spiritual readings and reflections), helping others, and asking for help from others, in recovery, attending 12 Step meetings and listening and sharing. Fear is normally a huge issue in early recovery. Ask in morning prayers and throughout the day for the strength to take risks and do what you are supposed to do. Over time, you will reach the point where fear, though present (fear seems to be part of being human), rarely will prevent you from doing "the next right thing."

Is there a cure for addiction?

2008-08-26T12:22:00.001-07:00

Most persons knowledgeable about addictions would simply answer: "no." Addiction to alcohol or other drugs is not cured by time abstinent from use of the addictive substance. There is no therapy that can teach an addict or alcoholic to use without problems over any significant period of time. Because of changes in brain chemistry and other pschological habituation factors, few, if any, individuals once addicted can return to normal, non-harmful use. The answer to addiction is abstinence from the addictive substance. Long term abstinence usually can be maintained only through comprehensive treatment that addresses the physical-medical, emotional-mental, and spiritual issues that are particular to each individual.

Expectations

2008-05-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

A wonderful guide to focusing on what you can change, namely, yourself, is this quote from Fritz Perls, the father of Gestalt Therapy:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.

If not, it can’t be helped.

Accentuate the Positive

2008-04-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

In recovery from the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, it is vital to learn to focus on the positives in one's life; they are almost always there. The lyrics to an old Johnny Mercer song. "You've got to accentuate the positive; Eliminate the negative; Latch on to the affirmative; Don't mess with Mister In-Between...", could be the theme song for recovery in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (the Twelve Step Programs for those hurt by a relationship with an addict or alcoholic).

Recovery

2008-02-06T12:39:00.000-08:00

One of the longest trips a person in recovery in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (the Twelve Step programs for those hurt by addiction), must take is from the mind to the heart. In other words we must move, in recovery, from an intellectual grasp of recovery principles such as being powerless over the addicted person, to knowing the principles in our hearts or guts, thereby being able to live them in our daily lives.

Accentuate the Positive

2008-01-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

The lyrics to an old Johnny Mercer song. "You've got to accentuate the positive; Eliminate the negative; Latch on to the affirmative; Don't mess with Mister In-Between...", could be the theme song for recovery in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (the Twelve Step Programs for those hurt by a relationship with an addict or alcoholic).

Spirituality

2008-01-11T12:40:00.000-08:00

Step 12 of the Twelve Steps of Recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) promises a "spiritual awakening" as the result of working the preceding eleven Steps, including developing a relationship with a spiritual source of strength, attendance of meetings, listening and sharing with others in recovery. What does it mean to have a spiritual awakening? I don't have the time for a full explanation, but will say this: you will be able to maintain emotional balance and a reasonable degree of serenity regardless of the negative (and positive) realities and pain that may be going on in your life.

A New Year's Resolution

2008-01-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

A New Year's Resolution
Why not think about adopting the following resolution if it fits for you? I will try to be honest about how the drug or alcohol use of someone I care about is causing problems in important areas, such as relationships, employment, health, legally, and if the person's use is causing such problems, I will explore how to get some help. Check out this site for help: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html

Spirituality

2007-12-29T15:49:00.000-08:00

Recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic), from the effects of living with addiction is painful, stressful, and difficult. Most people find that developing, or strengthening, a relationship with a source of spiritual strength, God, a Higher Power, as you understand that to be, provides the needed strength to do what's needed to be done to recover. I have found that putting in place daily spiritual disciplines is very helpful in building a strong spiritual recovery program. For example, I set aside time in the morning and evening for prayer and reflection, using some of the daily meditation books available at Twelve Step meetings (such as "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon"), asking in the AM my Higher Power (HP) for the strength to do what needs to be done that day, and in the PM, reviewing the day and giving thanks for the good and seeking help with the times I have not been able to act as I know my HP wants me to act (for example, giving into fear or anger). There is no right way to do this; the point is that daily spiritual disciplines will pay off with spiritual strength. Try it.

Personal Inventory

2007-12-20T16:06:00.000-08:00

Step Ten of the Twelve Steps of recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) offers a daily tool to help the person recovering from the effects of addiction to maintain a state of honest serenity and peace, namely, to take a daily inventory of his/her behaviors, and when wrong promptly admit it. This daily discipline helps to prevent the accumulation of guilt, resentment, fear, and other negative emotions that can signal an emotional relapse.

Restitution

2007-12-18T14:29:00.000-08:00

The Twelve Steps of recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) suggest (Step Nine) that you should make amends to persons whom you may have harmed as the result of the umnanageability of your life from living with addiction. There are a number of cautions that should be kept in mind in regard to this Step. Perhaps most important of all, one needs a strong spiritual foundation and a lot of experience in working the Steps of recovery before doing this one. It is after all Step Number Nine, requiring work on the eight preceding Steps.

Openmindedness

2007-12-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

An important concept to keep in mind no matter how long you are in recovery is "openmindedness"; if I am not open to new ideas, to new opportunities for growth and change, I will become spiritually stagnant.

Progress in Recovery

2007-12-10T16:16:00.001-08:00

An important piece of advice is often given to persons in recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic), namely, that we strive for progress, not perfection in our efforts to change using the Twelve Steps of Recovery.

2007-12-08T14:40:00.000-08:00

Defects of Character

The Twelve Steps of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) ask that the recovering person become "entirely ready to have God remove" defects of character identified in the moral inventory referred to in the entry for June 19, 2007. How does one become entirely ready to do this? It is important to look on recovery as a process, not an event that will happen and be over. It takes a lot of hard work, pain, and experience to gain the spiritual maturity to be able to be truly ready to have long-lasting character flaws and traits removed. Without a strong relationship with a source of spiritual strength, I doubt that anyone can do a thorough job of being ready to have character defects removed. But, remember that the motivation to do this hard work is to heal and to grow spiritually. So it's worth it!

Benefits of Sharing

2007-12-05T12:36:00.000-08:00

The Twelve Steps of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) ask that the individual in recovery "...make a searching and fearless moral inventory...", and then share such information with another trusted person, usually someone also in recovery. Why should you have to open yourself up to another? The answer is that if you just work on identifying your problems by yourself, there is a good chance that you will not get to the bottom of your issues due to the natural results of living with an addict or alcoholic, namely, the development of strong defenses against the truth, such as denial, minimization, justification, blaming, etc. So, by sharing with another especially someone who has solid recovery experience and who has worked through the Twelve Steps, you will gain from the objective, yet caring, feedback that only such a person can provide.

Focus on Yourself

2007-12-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

Recovery from the effects of a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic requires a fundamental shift in focus from the behaviors of the addict or alcoholic to looking at how your own behaviors and ways of thinking and reacting may contribute to the dysfunction in the relationship. The basic principle to apply is this: The only person I can change is me, and how I think and react.

Serenity Prayer

2007-12-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

A core concept of recovery for those in relationship with an addict or alcoholic is to seek to turn your problems over to the care of your Higher Power or other source of spiritual strength. This approach is in fact a practical application of spiritual principles in that the suggestion is to turn over problems you can't change (usually other people) and to try, with your Higher Power's help, to change the things you can (usually you and how you think and react).

Hope

2007-12-02T15:53:00.001-08:00

Often persons new to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the Twelve Step programs for persons hurt by a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) are full of pain and despair and close to hopelessness. Fortunately, by attending Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings, the newcomer will hear real people sharing THEIR pain and despair and how they were able to overcome it in these programs. Thus, one can find a lot of hope just by attending these free and confidential meetings.

Turn It Over

2007-12-01T15:29:00.001-08:00

What does it mean when a person in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) advises you to "turn it over", "it" being whatever crisis or problem that you are worrying about? The reference is, of course, to Step Three of the Twelve Steps of Recovery: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." The advice is meant to help you to recognize what you CAN change, namely, you and how you think and react, and what you CAN'T change, namely, other people and many events. A shorthand for this principle is to say: "God (or other Higher Power), I can't handle it; you can; I think I'll let you."

Focus on Improving Yourself, Not Others

2007-11-30T08:33:00.000-08:00

In recovery from the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, using Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) it is important to remember that the goal is not to get the addicted person into recovery (although that may be a wonderful bonus from our recovery). The goal is to focus on ourselves, finding out how our own thinking and acting have been adversely affected by addiction, and how to use the spiritually based Twelve Step principles to recover.

Acceptance

2007-11-29T14:12:00.000-08:00

One of the best lessons to learn in recovery from the effects of a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic is to allow persons in your life to be the way they are (of course, protecting yourself from abusive situations). It is so difficult to let go of the natural instinct to fix people you care about or protect them from unwise decisions. The fact is, however, that adults cannot be controlled and must make their own (good or bad) decisions and learn from the consequences thereof. A consistent message of love and support to persons in your life can often be the basis of a closer relationship, than the relationship associated with attempts to control persons' behaviors.

Humor and Spiritual Strength

2007-11-28T13:01:00.000-08:00

Some good advice I heard way back is this: "Take your recovery seriously, but not yourself." It is a habit that we often get into, before finding a spiritual way out of the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, to have an overly grim, deadly serious way of thinking about life, with little room for humor or levity of any kind. I could not understand in my early recovery at meetings of Twelve Step Groups how people could laugh so much; maybe, I thought, their problems with addiction were not as bad as mine. I soon found out that what was different was not the circumstances (which were as bad, or worse, as mine), but how these recovering persons looked at, and thought about, their situations. What was also different was that these hope-filled, people had come to believe in the strength of a Higher Power to aid them in detaching from their problems. To arrive at this spiritual place where you can laugh and take care of yourself in the midst of traumatic events requires attendance of many Twelve Step meetings (Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), hard work applying spiritual principles, and a lot of listening and sharing at meetings.

Why Go To Meetings?

2007-11-27T14:12:00.001-08:00

Turn It Over

2007-11-26T14:09:00.000-08:00

Focus on Yourself in Recovery

2007-11-24T15:18:00.000-08:00

Allow Others to be

2007-11-23T14:17:00.000-08:00

Take your recovery seriously, but not yourself

2007-11-22T15:31:00.000-08:00

Newcomers

2007-11-21T14:29:00.001-08:00

Newcomers to recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) need to attend meetings, listen to others with experience in recovery, and learn from a sponsor (someone chosen by the newcomer to be a guide through the Twelve Steps of Recovery); in other words, newcomers need to be like students and absorb the lessons of recovery. Just like any other field, recovery has its own language and principles that need to be learned and understood. So, if you are new to recovery, keep an open mind and be willing to learn new ways to recover from the effects of addiction.

I Can Only Change ME

2007-11-20T13:56:00.000-08:00

There is a fundamental principle in recovery using Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), namely, that the solution to all problems even those clearly caused by the irresponsible behaviors of an addict or alcoholic, lies within me. I am responsible for my atitudes and emotional reactions to all situations, and can, with spiritual help, including the help of others in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, resolve the situation by application of Twelve Step principles.

Self-Honesty

2007-11-19T14:09:00.001-08:00

Self-honesty is the key to solid recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict). Much of the time what causes me distress is not what someone else does (for example, the addict or alcoholic), but how I react to it. How I feel is the result of how I think about a situation, not necessarily the situation itself. I need to be honest about my emotional and cognitive reactions, take responsibility for them, and then use a recovery principle to deal with whatever is happening. I can no longer dishonestly blame how I feel on something or someone else. I am responsible for how I feel and act.

Helping and Being Helped

2007-11-18T14:26:00.000-08:00

When people arrive at Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), they are usually not very clear about how these self-help programs work, and after getting over the initial problem of asking for help, may think that receiving help is what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are all about. In fact, after a while, it becomes apparent that the most wonderful gift of all in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon recovery is the ability to help others. Helping others becomes the spiritual reward from working the program. Giving away the precious lessons learned in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon stregthens the donor and the recipient. That's how it works.

Love

2007-11-17T15:52:00.000-08:00

The term "love" is used a lot these days. What is remarkable about the Twelve Step Programs of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) is that regardless of race, color, ethnicity, social station, wealth, etc., any person who seeks help for problems relating to a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic will get it. That's love on a practical, here and now, level, and it is priceless.

Serenity

2007-11-15T14:31:00.000-08:00

We often see members of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) who are able to have a degree of serenity in their lives even though their alcoholic or addict is still in the middle of addiction, with resulting adverse effects on everyone involved. How is this possible? The answer is that the serenity is the result of many one-day-at-a-times using the spiritual tools of recovery, including prayer, meditation, study of literature, attendance of many meetings and there listening and sharing and learning. I have seen these miracles; they ARE miracles that are in no way lessened by the fact that they are the result of hard work.

Serenity

2007-11-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

Support for Recovery

2007-11-13T14:47:00.000-08:00

Where do I find the courage to do what I need to do to recover from living with a person with an addiction? There are two answers to this question. First and always, the strength will come from prayer and requests for strength to your Higher Power or source of spiritual strength. Remember you are seeking strength, not particular results. The second answer to the question is that you can find strength in the powers of example that you can find at any meeting of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict). Your Higher Power works through people, especially those in the rooms of recovery.

Spirituality

2007-11-12T14:12:00.000-08:00

Persons new to recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), are often confused by the spiritual aspects of the Twelve Step Programs. The most important thing to remember is that there is no pressure to adopt any particular approach to a Higher Power; that is why I speak about just trying to be open to the idea of developing a relationship with a source of spiritual strength that works for you. Some just start with the strength clearly present in their Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group, and go from there.

Serenity

2007-11-11T15:05:00.001-08:00

Where do you find serenity? How do you get it? The answer at times seems to be by getting others to think the way you do, or agree with you, etc. But control over others or externals is never the answer. The place to find serenity is within; by accepting what you can change, with some spiritual help: you and how you react to realities of life. Therein lies serenity.

Resentments

2007-11-10T14:33:00.001-08:00

It is certainly common and understandable for a person who has been in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic to have a lot of resentments and anger. The best way to begin to rid onseself of these negative burdens is to share about them at meetings of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict). Another way is to think about how the person who may be the subject of the negative thoughts is certainly not affected by your continuing to harbor them; in other words you are in effect allowing yourself to be controlled by someone else who may have no clue or even memory of the event. So, there are a lot of reasons to let go of resentments, but it takes hard work.

No Need to Create a Crisis for the Alcoholic

2007-11-09T13:47:00.000-08:00

There is often unfortunate advice given to those in rlationship with an alcoholic or addict to cause some sort of negative consequence to help the addicted person to decide to seek help. This advice is understandable, but not sound. What is needed is evidence from the addicted person's own behavior freely entered into without external manipulation or causation. We do not want to provide an excuse to the creatively tricky mind of the alcoholic or addict that the negative consequence was someone else's fault. The dire event must be his/her own doing. As is commonly said in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), there is no need to create a crisis for the addicted person. He/she will inevitably cause a crisis on his/her own.

Relapse

2007-11-08T14:18:00.000-08:00

How do I handle a relapse into drug or alcohol use by the addict or alcoholic whom I am in relationship with, after he/she has had a period of abstinence? The first thing to remind myself of is that the relapse happened to him/her, not to me, and that I need not have my own relapse into self-pity or attempting to fix or control the problem. I need to go to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) and share about the relapse with other members and with my sponsor (the person I have chosen to guide me through the 12 Steps, and in my recovery). Persons with the disease of addiction can relapse. I need to continue to work on my own recovery and avoid my own relapses.

Self-Honesty

2007-11-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

Living with addiction in someone close results in focus on the addicted person, on surviving, on trying to reduce the damage caused by addiction, etc., meaning that you rarely focus on yourself, who you are, what your needs are, how your thinking and behavior may have become a part of the addiction problem without your knowledge. The point here is that one of the major tasks of recovery is to learn self-honesty; to learn who you are and what about you that you wish to change. One of the best ways to find out these things is to attend a lot of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict); there you will see yourself mirrored in others who share their journey in recovery. There you will also find the hope and strength to begin to know yourself and change.

The First Step of Recovery

2007-11-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

Step One of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) says "We admitted were powerless over alcohol--that our lives has become unmanageable." The concept of powerlessness is the key to recovery from the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, and the key to an emotionally balanced and spiritually based life. Being powerless over whatever is causing you pain, frees you to seek and accept help. Self-sufficiency and a determination to handle the problem on your own, can block your ability to be open for help from others in recovery and from God or other source of spiritual strength. Once open to receive the spiritual help available in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, you can then use that help to give you access to all of the innate strengths that you possess. So, being powerless gives you strength.

Control Issues?

2007-11-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

The person new to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), has survived living with addiction, but at a great personal effort. One of the symptoms of this effort is a profound determination that I will be in control of events so that I can help others in my family hurt by addiction, even perhaps the addict or alcoholic. How difficult it is for the newcomer to accept the suggestions that he/she turn it over, let go and let God, keep it simple, mind you own business, etc. The best advice I have for the new person is to keep coming back, attend a lot of meetings, until you can begin to understand the strength there is in giving up control.

KISS

2007-11-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

A commonly heard piece of advice in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), is "Keep it simple", often supplemented with the word "stupid", because it makes for a cute acronym: KISS. The point, however, is that often in early recovery, the newcomer can get confused with all the information available in the Twelve Step Program. So, it is advisable to keep it simple and latch on to a recovery principle that will guide you, such as, "the only person I can change is me", or "Let Go and Let God."

"What if...?"

2007-10-31T12:36:00.000-07:00

Persons new to recovery from the effects of a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic tend to be bedeviled with fear of what might happen in the future if the "addict or alcoholic does...[whatever]." What newcomers will learn, though it is hard to do at first, is to not project ahead to events that may never come to pass, but to live in the now and trust that, in time, they will build faith in the spiritual process of recovery. Attending, and listening and sharing at, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), and seeking to build a spiritual relationship with a Higher Power, will help build trust in the process.

More on Powerlessness

2007-10-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

"When I am powerless, it is then that I am strong." The fundamental principle of recovery from the effects of a close relationship with an alcoholic or addict is embodied in the quoted language. Fighting addiction, struggling to stop a loved one from drinking, drugging, or relapsing, and striving to compel a loved one to go to AA or NA meetings, are examples of how not to recover. Paradoxically, by surrendering to the fact that you have no control over alcoholism or addiction, you can begin to be empowered to focus on what you can control, namely, you and how you think and react; therein lies your real strength. Recognition of the need for help (being powerless), frees you to tap your strengths by focusing on yourself rather than on others.

Treatment Is Needed for Both Drinker and Significant Others

2007-10-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

Alcoholism and drug addiction are diseases that respond to appropriate interventions and treatment; the disease is chronic and incurable, and adversely affects the person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The addicted person can arrest the disease by attaining and maintaining abstinence and sobriety through ongoing treatment; the recovering individual must until his/her death never forget that time does not cure the disease, and that use of drugs or alcohol will never be an acceptable option. Most recovering persons maintain a constant vigilance against taking the first drink or drug by attending spiritually based Twelve Step Programs such as AA and NA.

Like the alcoholic or addict, the person in a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic has been the victim of a chronic disease that has resulted in adverse physical, emotional, and spiritual effects on the person. He/she can also effectively treat these problems through attending spiritually based Twelve Step Programs such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, and sometimes through formal therapy. The person recovering in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon can also benefit from long term use of the principles and support available though these programs. In both cases, focused, consistent application of the spiritual principles of AA and NA, and Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, can produce miraculous healing.

No Quick Fix for Hurts from Relationship with Addicted Person

2007-10-28T15:41:00.000-07:00

In recovery from the results of a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic, it is important to not look for quick fixes for a situation and problems that have been building often for years. Although it may seem intuitively wrong, frequently the best action to take may be the application of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (the 12 Step Programs for those close to an addict or alcoholic) principles to my own thinking and reactions rather than deciding to take an action that could be irrevocable, such as a divorce or an end to a relationship. Thus, it might be best to seek guidance from another in recovery about how to apply principles such as Let go and Let God, and not expect advice on definitive actions about a relationship.

Why Do They Keep on Drinking and Drugging?

2007-10-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

"How can he/she keep on drinking or drugging when he/she knows that loved ones are being hurt?" This question, and others like it, are commonly asked by those in relationship with the addict or alcoholic. The answer, not meaning to be flip, is that a person with addictive disease continues to use when it is totally irrational to do so, because that's what addicts and alcoholics do. The disease of addiction explains the behavior, but, of course, doesn't excuse it; the disease of addiction is the only explanation of the behavior that can be applied to all addicts and alcoholics. Most people affected by addiction, including the addict and alcoholic, want to know WHY he/she drinks and drugs. The answers are as varied as the personalities and histories of each user. Explaining the behaviors as we have done here may help to shift the focus for the person in relationship with the addict or alcoholic to what he/she can figure out: how to work on changing his/her own unhealthy reactions to more positive ones.

Can I Create a Crisis to Help the Alcoholic of Addict?

2007-10-24T16:45:00.000-07:00

How do I create a crisis so that the alcoholic or addict that I care about will decide to seek help? The answer is, of course, that you don't need to create a crisis, and should not be the direct cause of such a crisis. If you allow the addicted individual to experience the natural consequences of his/her addictive behavior, the addict or alcoholic will create his/her own crisis, and be unable, or find it difficult, to blame the crisis on you or anyone else. So, go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings and work on keeping yourself healthy and avoid trying to control the uncontrollable.

Benefits of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon

2007-10-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

Anyone who is in a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic will tend to experience chronic assaults to his/her identity and self-esteem and become as sick emotionally, and sometimes physically, as the addicted person. One of the miraculous effects of attendance of the Twelve Step Programs, such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, for those in such a relationship is the recognition that they are worthy of respect, dignity, and love just because they are human beings. The unconditional acceptance found in these meetings from persons who have experienced the pain and trauma of addiction is indeed a spiritual salve that soothes the wounds of the individual in a relationship with an addicted person.

Letting Go

2007-10-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

"Let Go and Let God" is a wonderful tool for those in recovery from living with drug or alcohol addiction. But becoming good at Letting Go, takes a while. Before arriving at the doors of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (the Twelve Step Programs for those who have been close to addiction), we have adopted a way of thinking and living that has rigid rules, such as, I must never give in, I must fight for the sanity and the safety of me and those I love...,etc. It is a mode of struggle and survival, of holding on for dear life. Now, it is suggested for serenity in recovery that I learn to Let Go...a terribly frightening prospect. Clearly, we are talking about a process that takes time and effort, meaning not struggling to Let Go, but trying to keep in the forefront of our minds that Letting Go is the goal. Morning and evening prayer and meditation, reading daily literature such as "One Day at a Time In Al-Anon", attending meetings of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, are all ways to positively brainwash yourself that you should try to Let Go of things you have no control over, such as the drug or alcohol use of someone you care about.

Family Recovery Tip

2007-10-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

Here is a goal for persons in recovery from a relationship with an addicted person, or for anyone wishing to be emotionally healthy: My happiness does not depend upon anyone else, upon a job, career, wealth, or externals of any kind; it is based upon maintaining emotional health through a relationship with a source of spiritual strength and working on identifying and changing thinking errors I may have that cause me to condition my happiness on the externals mentioned.

A Recovery Tip

2007-10-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

It is vital that any person in a close relationship with an alcoholic or addict constantly emphasize to himself/herself the following: I am not responsible for the fact that the alcoholic or addict that I care about drinks or drugs. He/she has a disease; that explains the irrational, ongoing destructive use of drugs or alcohol. It is not my fault; I need not feel guilty; I cannot control his/her disease.

The Role of Denial in the Power of Addictive Disease

2007-10-12T05:44:00.000-07:00

Persons with addictive disease continue to use their substances in the face of a long history of adverse consequences in significant areas of their lives, including medical problems, legal problems, relational problems, and employment problems. The drive to use is stronger than one’s love for a significant other or a child; stronger than loyalty to an employer or a friend; and stronger than one’s values or even spiritual tenets. Persons with addictive disease continue to use long after any rational individual would choose to do so. This article provides a brief explanation of the role of denial in the power of addiction.

Denial in the alcohol or other drug (AOD) addicted person includes the following factors which operate, except for Item 1), in part unconsciously, or, at times, semi-consciously:

1) Deliberate lies.
Addicted persons, be they alcoholic or addicted to illegal drugs, lie and manipulate to protect their ability to satisfy the need to use their DOC (drug of choice). They also lie to themselves and come to believe their own distortions. Addicts who must buy their drugs from illegal sources and use illegal means to finance purchases, will be particularly adept at deliberate falsification and skillful manipulation.
2) Alcohol/drug-induced amnesia (blackouts).
Present inability to recall events occurring while under the influence adds to the “denial” problem. The AOD addicted person in truth cannot remember many of the negative events he/she may be accused of, which adds to the confusion, frustration and delusion of the user (and to the frustration of those close to him/her).
3) Euphoric recall.
Recall of events while AOD impaired tend to be distorted. The AOD addicted person also tends to recall only the good times, not the bad, a selective memory.
4) Denial in Significant others.
Those close to the AOD addicted person experience denial in forms similar to that of the addict or alcoholic, and tend to enable, that is, protect the user from experiencing the natural consequences of his/her inappropriate behaviors.
5) Lack of feedback or ability to reality test what's going on.
Because of the dysfunction which develops in intimate relationships, the AOD addicted person has no way of reality testing, that is, he/she is given no useful feedback about the reality of AOD use and its real impact on significant others. The usual rule in such families is to avoid intimacy and not talk about the problem.
6) Ignorance of the definition of alcoholism or addiction.
Stereotypes of the “typical” alcoholic or addict, myths, even one's own experience with an alcoholic can lead to excluding one's own behavior from the definition. For example, an individual can say:
I don’t drink or use every day
I do my school work
I never drink in the morning
I don’t crave, or need to drink or use
I don’t drink or use much when away from school during Xmas, summer, etc.
7) Toxic effects of AOD on the brain
Addictive AOD use seriously disrupts the normal functioning of the brain, not only causing dysfunction in the action of “feel good” chemicals (neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin) thereby causing craving and loss of control, but also cause dysfunction in the brain’s ability to process, store, and use information.
8) Inconsistency of patterns of AOD use, loss of control and consequences.
The individual may not get drunk every time, may not suffer negatives every time, may be able to quit for a time, etc., and will, of course, focus on the times when nothing bad happened.
9) Influence of media and culture.
Society, commercials, ads all depict alcohol as an integral part of life's activities---sports, good times, bad times, sex, etc. Not drinking is in many parts of society abnormal.
10) Sneaky disease.
The loss of control over, and addiction to, drugs and alcohol are insidious in their onset and development.
11) Stigma.
Alcoholics and addicts are considered by much of society to be weak willed, immoral, irresponsible, and even criminal. Persons who have this disease also tend to internalize this stigmatized notion of the alcoholic or addict, and tend to not only resist applying such a term to themselves, but also resist seeking help because, perhaps, they feel unworthy.
12) Professional enablers.
Even today, when persons with AOD addiction seek help, they often encounter care givers with little expertise in diagnosing and treating AOD disorders, who provide services not directly addressing the addiction. This approach enables the addicted persons to rationalize that they are getting help that may result in a return of the ability to use.

12 Step Programs

2007-08-31T05:50:00.000-07:00

I strongly recommend Al-Anon (alcohol) and Nar-Anon (drugs) for persons in a close relationship with someone with a drug or alcohol problem. These programs are free, confidential, and can provide support, education, and practical tools to help you.

Al-Anon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Nar-Anon: http://nar-anon.org/index.html

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs). Individuals who grow up in a home where a parent(s) is suffering from the disease of alcoholism or drug addiction tend to develop behaviors and defenses to protect themselves from emotional and sometimes physical hurts that result from the parents' preoccupation with the effects of addiction. These behaviors and defenses may in adulthood cause these "adult children" negative consequences especially in relationships. This web site provides information about these issues and location of Twelve Step meetings for ACOAs: http://www.adultchildren.org/

See my site for more information and help online: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html

Questions about Someone's Drug or Alcohol Use?

2007-05-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

Does someone you care about have a problem with alcohol or other drugs?

This blog will have information to help you figure out the answer to this question. I will also provide you information about how to take care of yourself when you are in a close relationship with someone who has a drug or alcohol problem.

Let me tell you about my background and qualifications to help you. I have been a licensed addictions counselor working with alcoholics and addicts, and those that care about them, for over 27 years. I am also in long term recovery myself (almost 30 years) and grew up in a home with alcoholism. I, therefore, have a lot of personal and professional experience with addictions.
For more information about me, follow this link: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/aboutjanwilliams.html.

OK, to get right to the point, how do you begin to figure out if someone you know has a drug or alcohol problem. Here is a quick little screening test:

● I feel tense, or worried when the person uses, or begins to use, alcohol or other drugs.

● I am fearful of talking to the person about his/her alcohol or other drug use.

● I have been embarrassed by the person's behavior while using alcohol or other drugs.

● I am afraid to let the person drive when he/she has been using.

● I make excuses to myself and/or others for the person's behavior under the influence,
such as: "It's stress." “It's the job." "It's not a big deal. Everyone gets that way every once
in a while."

● I wonder why the person has to use before we can be intimate.

● I try not to upset the person for fear he/she will drink or use drugs inappropriately.

● I worry that the person's problem use of drugs or alcohol is due to some failing in me: "I'm
not...(fill in the blank)”, e.g., "sexy enough", "fun enough", "smart enough."

● I am fearful when the person uses because of his/her past verbal or physical abuse under
the influence.

● I am beginning to think of not going to social events or not inviting people over because of
concern about the person's alcohol or other drug use.

Presence of any of these reactions indicates that the person you care about may have, or be developing, a problem with alcohol or other drugs.

If you have questions or wish counseling, go to my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com