Example of Online family addictions counseling

Here is an example of a question from a family member and the response from Jan Williams:

Question

I will try to make this as short as possible without leaving anything out. I have been married for 34 years to an alcoholic. He has quit several times only to go back again. beer mostly. 15 years ago he was into cocaine and alcohol and was very abuse both verbally and physically to me. I have called the police on him several times. I don't know why I stayed but I did.*** Things are better but he is still a closet drinker, hiding it from me and everyone else. He no longer physically abuses me but still verbally. very jealous, accuses me of everything etc***he usually gets very aggressive and starts fights and arguments with everyone and goes after me with his harsh words. I threatened to leave him several times and he swore he would give up the booze but I know he is still drinking. He denies it and covers it with lie after lie. I am at the point I need to do something. Please Help.

Answer

It is indeed painful and frustrating watching a loved one's drinking destroy himself and emotionally damage those who love him, and you have done so for all these years. You must be very weary from this long history of living with an alcoholic. Unfortunately, the power of the disease of alcoholism is such that rarely will any alcoholic decide to seek help and abstinence without negative consequences and usually a lot of pain, to him, not just those around him. Usually, the alcoholic's denial is such that he can rationalize that the only person he is hurting is himself (never true, of course). Denial and the power of addiction can cause the alcoholic to continue to drink in the face of the circumstances you describe. I offer denial and the power of addictive disease only as an EXPLANATION of your husband's hurtful behaviors, NOT as an excuse for them.

I have several suggestions. I suggest that you think about meeting with an interventionist (see, for example, http://www.intervention.com/; http://www.intervene.com/) to discuss an intervention to get your husband to agree to treatment, perhaps including your adult children in the process. One of the goals of an intervention would be to help your husband to develop an awareness at a feeling level of how his drinking has hurt you and his children. Treatment programs often will offer intervention services for free, but, of course, will guide the alcoholic to treatment in their particular facility.

No one can control whether an alcoholic drinks or how much the alcoholic drinks. I strongly suggest that you think about attending meetings of Al-Anon, http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/, the Twelve Step Program for persons who love an alcoholic, to learn how not to enable your spouse's continuing to drink, and for support for yourself. Good luck.

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC.
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com

Alcoholism and depression--dual diagnosis

Alcoholism and depression--dual diagnosis

Here are my ideas on dual diagnosis, also called comorbidity. 85 to 90 percent of alcoholics, depending on the population, do NOT have a coexisting (or pre-existing) mental health disorder such as depression. Often any depression or anxiety is due to the CNS depressant effects of chronic excessive alcohol use, which will dissipate with a substantial period of abstinence. If an individual has both depression and alcoholism, obviously, if the depression is severe enough to endanger the person through suicide or self-harm, then the depression will need to be stabilized immediately. However, talk therapy or even antidepressant medications for the depression will often NOT be very effective if the alcoholic continues to drink. So, generally, absent danger-to-life issues, the alcoholism should be treated first, that is, the drinking stopped and alcoholism treatment completed. Usually, if the depression is related to the alcoholism, it will not be a problem after 30 days of sobriety and treatment. Check out my website for more information and professional help.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
443-610-3569

Just for today

Just for today: this phrase is a powerful one to keep in mind for anyone seeking recovery from addiction, or the effects of addiction in a loved one. Just for today I can handle life's challenges without doing anything harmful to me such as picking up a drink or a drug, or trying to focus on controlling another's behavior. Breaking down my problems to those I must address today, means I need not waste too much of my precious energy looking at the past or future.

spirituality

Sometimes people are turned off by recovery in the Twelve Step Programs such as Al-Anon because of issues they may have with organized religion. The strength of 12 Step Programs is that they urge each individual to develop his/her own understanding of a source of spiritual strength. Perhaps the best place to start, I think, is with the willingness to be open to the support of others in recovery in Al-Anon who have learned how to maintain emotional balance even though affected by a relationship with an alcoholic. The strength of the group can be the foundation of spiritual growth.

Courage to change the things I can

The Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. How does an individual in recovery find the courage mentioned in this prayer? As with most aspects of recovery, developing the "courage to change the things I can" is an ongoing process. The progress that you can achieve will most often come from improving and strengthening your relationship with your source of spiritual strength, your Higher Power. Ways to improve and strengthen that relationship include use of daily spiritual disciplines (morning and nightly prayer, spiritual readings and reflections), helping others, and asking for help from others, in recovery, attending 12 Step meetings and listening and sharing. Fear is normally a huge issue in early recovery. Ask in morning prayers and throughout the day for the strength to take risks and do what you are supposed to do. Over time, you will reach the point where fear, though present (fear seems to be part of being human), rarely will prevent you from doing "the next right thing."

Is there a cure for addiction?

Most persons knowledgeable about addictions would simply answer: "no." Addiction to alcohol or other drugs is not cured by time abstinent from use of the addictive substance. There is no therapy that can teach an addict or alcoholic to use without problems over any significant period of time. Because of changes in brain chemistry and other pschological habituation factors, few, if any, individuals once addicted can return to normal, non-harmful use. The answer to addiction is abstinence from the addictive substance. Long term abstinence usually can be maintained only through comprehensive treatment that addresses the physical-medical, emotional-mental, and spiritual issues that are particular to each individual.

Expectations

A wonderful guide to focusing on what you can change, namely, yourself, is this quote from Fritz Perls, the father of Gestalt Therapy:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.


If not, it can’t be helped.