"What if...?"

Persons new to recovery from the effects of a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic tend to be bedeviled with fear of what might happen in the future if the "addict or alcoholic does...[whatever]." What newcomers will learn, though it is hard to do at first, is to not project ahead to events that may never come to pass, but to live in the now and trust that, in time, they will build faith in the spiritual process of recovery. Attending, and listening and sharing at, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), and seeking to build a spiritual relationship with a Higher Power, will help build trust in the process.

More on Powerlessness

"When I am powerless, it is then that I am strong." The fundamental principle of recovery from the effects of a close relationship with an alcoholic or addict is embodied in the quoted language. Fighting addiction, struggling to stop a loved one from drinking, drugging, or relapsing, and striving to compel a loved one to go to AA or NA meetings, are examples of how not to recover. Paradoxically, by surrendering to the fact that you have no control over alcoholism or addiction, you can begin to be empowered to focus on what you can control, namely, you and how you think and react; therein lies your real strength. Recognition of the need for help (being powerless), frees you to tap your strengths by focusing on yourself rather than on others.

Treatment Is Needed for Both Drinker and Significant Others

Alcoholism and drug addiction are diseases that respond to appropriate interventions and treatment; the disease is chronic and incurable, and adversely affects the person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The addicted person can arrest the disease by attaining and maintaining abstinence and sobriety through ongoing treatment; the recovering individual must until his/her death never forget that time does not cure the disease, and that use of drugs or alcohol will never be an acceptable option. Most recovering persons maintain a constant vigilance against taking the first drink or drug by attending spiritually based Twelve Step Programs such as AA and NA.

Like the alcoholic or addict, the person in a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic has been the victim of a chronic disease that has resulted in adverse physical, emotional, and spiritual effects on the person. He/she can also effectively treat these problems through attending spiritually based Twelve Step Programs such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, and sometimes through formal therapy. The person recovering in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon can also benefit from long term use of the principles and support available though these programs. In both cases, focused, consistent application of the spiritual principles of AA and NA, and Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, can produce miraculous healing.

No Quick Fix for Hurts from Relationship with Addicted Person

In recovery from the results of a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic, it is important to not look for quick fixes for a situation and problems that have been building often for years. Although it may seem intuitively wrong, frequently the best action to take may be the application of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (the 12 Step Programs for those close to an addict or alcoholic) principles to my own thinking and reactions rather than deciding to take an action that could be irrevocable, such as a divorce or an end to a relationship. Thus, it might be best to seek guidance from another in recovery about how to apply principles such as Let go and Let God, and not expect advice on definitive actions about a relationship.

Why Do They Keep on Drinking and Drugging?

"How can he/she keep on drinking or drugging when he/she knows that loved ones are being hurt?" This question, and others like it, are commonly asked by those in relationship with the addict or alcoholic. The answer, not meaning to be flip, is that a person with addictive disease continues to use when it is totally irrational to do so, because that's what addicts and alcoholics do. The disease of addiction explains the behavior, but, of course, doesn't excuse it; the disease of addiction is the only explanation of the behavior that can be applied to all addicts and alcoholics. Most people affected by addiction, including the addict and alcoholic, want to know WHY he/she drinks and drugs. The answers are as varied as the personalities and histories of each user. Explaining the behaviors as we have done here may help to shift the focus for the person in relationship with the addict or alcoholic to what he/she can figure out: how to work on changing his/her own unhealthy reactions to more positive ones.

Can I Create a Crisis to Help the Alcoholic of Addict?

How do I create a crisis so that the alcoholic or addict that I care about will decide to seek help? The answer is, of course, that you don't need to create a crisis, and should not be the direct cause of such a crisis. If you allow the addicted individual to experience the natural consequences of his/her addictive behavior, the addict or alcoholic will create his/her own crisis, and be unable, or find it difficult, to blame the crisis on you or anyone else. So, go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings and work on keeping yourself healthy and avoid trying to control the uncontrollable.

Benefits of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon

Anyone who is in a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic will tend to experience chronic assaults to his/her identity and self-esteem and become as sick emotionally, and sometimes physically, as the addicted person. One of the miraculous effects of attendance of the Twelve Step Programs, such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, for those in such a relationship is the recognition that they are worthy of respect, dignity, and love just because they are human beings. The unconditional acceptance found in these meetings from persons who have experienced the pain and trauma of addiction is indeed a spiritual salve that soothes the wounds of the individual in a relationship with an addicted person.

Letting Go

"Let Go and Let God" is a wonderful tool for those in recovery from living with drug or alcohol addiction. But becoming good at Letting Go, takes a while. Before arriving at the doors of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (the Twelve Step Programs for those who have been close to addiction), we have adopted a way of thinking and living that has rigid rules, such as, I must never give in, I must fight for the sanity and the safety of me and those I love...,etc. It is a mode of struggle and survival, of holding on for dear life. Now, it is suggested for serenity in recovery that I learn to Let Go...a terribly frightening prospect. Clearly, we are talking about a process that takes time and effort, meaning not struggling to Let Go, but trying to keep in the forefront of our minds that Letting Go is the goal. Morning and evening prayer and meditation, reading daily literature such as "One Day at a Time In Al-Anon", attending meetings of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, are all ways to positively brainwash yourself that you should try to Let Go of things you have no control over, such as the drug or alcohol use of someone you care about.

Family Recovery Tip

Here is a goal for persons in recovery from a relationship with an addicted person, or for anyone wishing to be emotionally healthy: My happiness does not depend upon anyone else, upon a job, career, wealth, or externals of any kind; it is based upon maintaining emotional health through a relationship with a source of spiritual strength and working on identifying and changing thinking errors I may have that cause me to condition my happiness on the externals mentioned.

A Recovery Tip

It is vital that any person in a close relationship with an alcoholic or addict constantly emphasize to himself/herself the following: I am not responsible for the fact that the alcoholic or addict that I care about drinks or drugs. He/she has a disease; that explains the irrational, ongoing destructive use of drugs or alcohol. It is not my fault; I need not feel guilty; I cannot control his/her disease.

The Role of Denial in the Power of Addictive Disease

Persons with addictive disease continue to use their substances in the face of a long history of adverse consequences in significant areas of their lives, including medical problems, legal problems, relational problems, and employment problems. The drive to use is stronger than one’s love for a significant other or a child; stronger than loyalty to an employer or a friend; and stronger than one’s values or even spiritual tenets. Persons with addictive disease continue to use long after any rational individual would choose to do so. This article provides a brief explanation of the role of denial in the power of addiction.

Denial in the alcohol or other drug (AOD) addicted person includes the following factors which operate, except for Item 1), in part unconsciously, or, at times, semi-consciously:

1) Deliberate lies.
Addicted persons, be they alcoholic or addicted to illegal drugs, lie and manipulate to protect their ability to satisfy the need to use their DOC (drug of choice). They also lie to themselves and come to believe their own distortions. Addicts who must buy their drugs from illegal sources and use illegal means to finance purchases, will be particularly adept at deliberate falsification and skillful manipulation.
2) Alcohol/drug-induced amnesia (blackouts).
Present inability to recall events occurring while under the influence adds to the “denial” problem. The AOD addicted person in truth cannot remember many of the negative events he/she may be accused of, which adds to the confusion, frustration and delusion of the user (and to the frustration of those close to him/her).
3) Euphoric recall.
Recall of events while AOD impaired tend to be distorted. The AOD addicted person also tends to recall only the good times, not the bad, a selective memory.
4) Denial in Significant others.
Those close to the AOD addicted person experience denial in forms similar to that of the addict or alcoholic, and tend to enable, that is, protect the user from experiencing the natural consequences of his/her inappropriate behaviors.
5) Lack of feedback or ability to reality test what's going on.
Because of the dysfunction which develops in intimate relationships, the AOD addicted person has no way of reality testing, that is, he/she is given no useful feedback about the reality of AOD use and its real impact on significant others. The usual rule in such families is to avoid intimacy and not talk about the problem.
6) Ignorance of the definition of alcoholism or addiction.
Stereotypes of the “typical” alcoholic or addict, myths, even one's own experience with an alcoholic can lead to excluding one's own behavior from the definition. For example, an individual can say:
I don’t drink or use every day
I do my school work
I never drink in the morning
I don’t crave, or need to drink or use
I don’t drink or use much when away from school during Xmas, summer, etc.
7) Toxic effects of AOD on the brain
Addictive AOD use seriously disrupts the normal functioning of the brain, not only causing dysfunction in the action of “feel good” chemicals (neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin) thereby causing craving and loss of control, but also cause dysfunction in the brain’s ability to process, store, and use information.
8) Inconsistency of patterns of AOD use, loss of control and consequences.
The individual may not get drunk every time, may not suffer negatives every time, may be able to quit for a time, etc., and will, of course, focus on the times when nothing bad happened.
9) Influence of media and culture.
Society, commercials, ads all depict alcohol as an integral part of life's activities---sports, good times, bad times, sex, etc. Not drinking is in many parts of society abnormal.
10) Sneaky disease.
The loss of control over, and addiction to, drugs and alcohol are insidious in their onset and development.
11) Stigma.
Alcoholics and addicts are considered by much of society to be weak willed, immoral, irresponsible, and even criminal. Persons who have this disease also tend to internalize this stigmatized notion of the alcoholic or addict, and tend to not only resist applying such a term to themselves, but also resist seeking help because, perhaps, they feel unworthy.
12) Professional enablers.
Even today, when persons with AOD addiction seek help, they often encounter care givers with little expertise in diagnosing and treating AOD disorders, who provide services not directly addressing the addiction. This approach enables the addicted persons to rationalize that they are getting help that may result in a return of the ability to use.