Example of Online family addictions counseling

Here is an example of a question from a family member and the response from Jan Williams:

Question

I will try to make this as short as possible without leaving anything out. I have been married for 34 years to an alcoholic. He has quit several times only to go back again. beer mostly. 15 years ago he was into cocaine and alcohol and was very abuse both verbally and physically to me. I have called the police on him several times. I don't know why I stayed but I did.*** Things are better but he is still a closet drinker, hiding it from me and everyone else. He no longer physically abuses me but still verbally. very jealous, accuses me of everything etc***he usually gets very aggressive and starts fights and arguments with everyone and goes after me with his harsh words. I threatened to leave him several times and he swore he would give up the booze but I know he is still drinking. He denies it and covers it with lie after lie. I am at the point I need to do something. Please Help.

Answer

It is indeed painful and frustrating watching a loved one's drinking destroy himself and emotionally damage those who love him, and you have done so for all these years. You must be very weary from this long history of living with an alcoholic. Unfortunately, the power of the disease of alcoholism is such that rarely will any alcoholic decide to seek help and abstinence without negative consequences and usually a lot of pain, to him, not just those around him. Usually, the alcoholic's denial is such that he can rationalize that the only person he is hurting is himself (never true, of course). Denial and the power of addiction can cause the alcoholic to continue to drink in the face of the circumstances you describe. I offer denial and the power of addictive disease only as an EXPLANATION of your husband's hurtful behaviors, NOT as an excuse for them.

I have several suggestions. I suggest that you think about meeting with an interventionist (see, for example, http://www.intervention.com/; http://www.intervene.com/) to discuss an intervention to get your husband to agree to treatment, perhaps including your adult children in the process. One of the goals of an intervention would be to help your husband to develop an awareness at a feeling level of how his drinking has hurt you and his children. Treatment programs often will offer intervention services for free, but, of course, will guide the alcoholic to treatment in their particular facility.

No one can control whether an alcoholic drinks or how much the alcoholic drinks. I strongly suggest that you think about attending meetings of Al-Anon, http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/, the Twelve Step Program for persons who love an alcoholic, to learn how not to enable your spouse's continuing to drink, and for support for yourself. Good luck.

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC.
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com

Alcoholism and depression--dual diagnosis

Alcoholism and depression--dual diagnosis

Here are my ideas on dual diagnosis, also called comorbidity. 85 to 90 percent of alcoholics, depending on the population, do NOT have a coexisting (or pre-existing) mental health disorder such as depression. Often any depression or anxiety is due to the CNS depressant effects of chronic excessive alcohol use, which will dissipate with a substantial period of abstinence. If an individual has both depression and alcoholism, obviously, if the depression is severe enough to endanger the person through suicide or self-harm, then the depression will need to be stabilized immediately. However, talk therapy or even antidepressant medications for the depression will often NOT be very effective if the alcoholic continues to drink. So, generally, absent danger-to-life issues, the alcoholism should be treated first, that is, the drinking stopped and alcoholism treatment completed. Usually, if the depression is related to the alcoholism, it will not be a problem after 30 days of sobriety and treatment. Check out my website for more information and professional help.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
443-610-3569

Just for today

Just for today: this phrase is a powerful one to keep in mind for anyone seeking recovery from addiction, or the effects of addiction in a loved one. Just for today I can handle life's challenges without doing anything harmful to me such as picking up a drink or a drug, or trying to focus on controlling another's behavior. Breaking down my problems to those I must address today, means I need not waste too much of my precious energy looking at the past or future.

spirituality

Sometimes people are turned off by recovery in the Twelve Step Programs such as Al-Anon because of issues they may have with organized religion. The strength of 12 Step Programs is that they urge each individual to develop his/her own understanding of a source of spiritual strength. Perhaps the best place to start, I think, is with the willingness to be open to the support of others in recovery in Al-Anon who have learned how to maintain emotional balance even though affected by a relationship with an alcoholic. The strength of the group can be the foundation of spiritual growth.

Courage to change the things I can

The Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. How does an individual in recovery find the courage mentioned in this prayer? As with most aspects of recovery, developing the "courage to change the things I can" is an ongoing process. The progress that you can achieve will most often come from improving and strengthening your relationship with your source of spiritual strength, your Higher Power. Ways to improve and strengthen that relationship include use of daily spiritual disciplines (morning and nightly prayer, spiritual readings and reflections), helping others, and asking for help from others, in recovery, attending 12 Step meetings and listening and sharing. Fear is normally a huge issue in early recovery. Ask in morning prayers and throughout the day for the strength to take risks and do what you are supposed to do. Over time, you will reach the point where fear, though present (fear seems to be part of being human), rarely will prevent you from doing "the next right thing."

Is there a cure for addiction?

Most persons knowledgeable about addictions would simply answer: "no." Addiction to alcohol or other drugs is not cured by time abstinent from use of the addictive substance. There is no therapy that can teach an addict or alcoholic to use without problems over any significant period of time. Because of changes in brain chemistry and other pschological habituation factors, few, if any, individuals once addicted can return to normal, non-harmful use. The answer to addiction is abstinence from the addictive substance. Long term abstinence usually can be maintained only through comprehensive treatment that addresses the physical-medical, emotional-mental, and spiritual issues that are particular to each individual.

Expectations

A wonderful guide to focusing on what you can change, namely, yourself, is this quote from Fritz Perls, the father of Gestalt Therapy:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.


If not, it can’t be helped.

Accentuate the Positive

In recovery from the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, it is vital to learn to focus on the positives in one's life; they are almost always there. The lyrics to an old Johnny Mercer song. "You've got to accentuate the positive; Eliminate the negative; Latch on to the affirmative; Don't mess with Mister In-Between...", could be the theme song for recovery in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (the Twelve Step Programs for those hurt by a relationship with an addict or alcoholic).

Recovery

One of the longest trips a person in recovery in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (the Twelve Step programs for those hurt by addiction), must take is from the mind to the heart. In other words we must move, in recovery, from an intellectual grasp of recovery principles such as being powerless over the addicted person, to knowing the principles in our hearts or guts, thereby being able to live them in our daily lives.

Accentuate the Positive

The lyrics to an old Johnny Mercer song. "You've got to accentuate the positive; Eliminate the negative; Latch on to the affirmative; Don't mess with Mister In-Between...", could be the theme song for recovery in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (the Twelve Step Programs for those hurt by a relationship with an addict or alcoholic).

Spirituality

Step 12 of the Twelve Steps of Recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) promises a "spiritual awakening" as the result of working the preceding eleven Steps, including developing a relationship with a spiritual source of strength, attendance of meetings, listening and sharing with others in recovery. What does it mean to have a spiritual awakening? I don't have the time for a full explanation, but will say this: you will be able to maintain emotional balance and a reasonable degree of serenity regardless of the negative (and positive) realities and pain that may be going on in your life.

A New Year's Resolution

A New Year's Resolution
Why not think about adopting the following resolution if it fits for you? I will try to be honest about how the drug or alcohol use of someone I care about is causing problems in important areas, such as relationships, employment, health, legally, and if the person's use is causing such problems, I will explore how to get some help. Check out this site for help: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html

Spirituality

Recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic), from the effects of living with addiction is painful, stressful, and difficult. Most people find that developing, or strengthening, a relationship with a source of spiritual strength, God, a Higher Power, as you understand that to be, provides the needed strength to do what's needed to be done to recover. I have found that putting in place daily spiritual disciplines is very helpful in building a strong spiritual recovery program. For example, I set aside time in the morning and evening for prayer and reflection, using some of the daily meditation books available at Twelve Step meetings (such as "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon"), asking in the AM my Higher Power (HP) for the strength to do what needs to be done that day, and in the PM, reviewing the day and giving thanks for the good and seeking help with the times I have not been able to act as I know my HP wants me to act (for example, giving into fear or anger). There is no right way to do this; the point is that daily spiritual disciplines will pay off with spiritual strength. Try it.

Personal Inventory

Step Ten of the Twelve Steps of recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) offers a daily tool to help the person recovering from the effects of addiction to maintain a state of honest serenity and peace, namely, to take a daily inventory of his/her behaviors, and when wrong promptly admit it. This daily discipline helps to prevent the accumulation of guilt, resentment, fear, and other negative emotions that can signal an emotional relapse.

Restitution

The Twelve Steps of recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) suggest (Step Nine) that you should make amends to persons whom you may have harmed as the result of the umnanageability of your life from living with addiction. There are a number of cautions that should be kept in mind in regard to this Step. Perhaps most important of all, one needs a strong spiritual foundation and a lot of experience in working the Steps of recovery before doing this one. It is after all Step Number Nine, requiring work on the eight preceding Steps.

Openmindedness

An important concept to keep in mind no matter how long you are in recovery is "openmindedness"; if I am not open to new ideas, to new opportunities for growth and change, I will become spiritually stagnant.

Progress in Recovery

An important piece of advice is often given to persons in recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic), namely, that we strive for progress, not perfection in our efforts to change using the Twelve Steps of Recovery.

Defects of Character

The Twelve Steps of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) ask that the recovering person become "entirely ready to have God remove" defects of character identified in the moral inventory referred to in the entry for June 19, 2007. How does one become entirely ready to do this? It is important to look on recovery as a process, not an event that will happen and be over. It takes a lot of hard work, pain, and experience to gain the spiritual maturity to be able to be truly ready to have long-lasting character flaws and traits removed. Without a strong relationship with a source of spiritual strength, I doubt that anyone can do a thorough job of being ready to have character defects removed. But, remember that the motivation to do this hard work is to heal and to grow spiritually. So it's worth it!

Benefits of Sharing

The Twelve Steps of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the programs for those hurt by the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) ask that the individual in recovery "...make a searching and fearless moral inventory...", and then share such information with another trusted person, usually someone also in recovery. Why should you have to open yourself up to another? The answer is that if you just work on identifying your problems by yourself, there is a good chance that you will not get to the bottom of your issues due to the natural results of living with an addict or alcoholic, namely, the development of strong defenses against the truth, such as denial, minimization, justification, blaming, etc. So, by sharing with another especially someone who has solid recovery experience and who has worked through the Twelve Steps, you will gain from the objective, yet caring, feedback that only such a person can provide.

Focus on Yourself

Recovery from the effects of a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic requires a fundamental shift in focus from the behaviors of the addict or alcoholic to looking at how your own behaviors and ways of thinking and reacting may contribute to the dysfunction in the relationship. The basic principle to apply is this: The only person I can change is me, and how I think and react.