Focus on Improving Yourself, Not Others

In recovery from the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, using Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) it is important to remember that the goal is not to get the addicted person into recovery (although that may be a wonderful bonus from our recovery). The goal is to focus on ourselves, finding out how our own thinking and acting have been adversely affected by addiction, and how to use the spiritually based Twelve Step principles to recover.

Acceptance

One of the best lessons to learn in recovery from the effects of a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic is to allow persons in your life to be the way they are (of course, protecting yourself from abusive situations). It is so difficult to let go of the natural instinct to fix people you care about or protect them from unwise decisions. The fact is, however, that adults cannot be controlled and must make their own (good or bad) decisions and learn from the consequences thereof. A consistent message of love and support to persons in your life can often be the basis of a closer relationship, than the relationship associated with attempts to control persons' behaviors.

Humor and Spiritual Strength

Some good advice I heard way back is this: "Take your recovery seriously, but not yourself." It is a habit that we often get into, before finding a spiritual way out of the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, to have an overly grim, deadly serious way of thinking about life, with little room for humor or levity of any kind. I could not understand in my early recovery at meetings of Twelve Step Groups how people could laugh so much; maybe, I thought, their problems with addiction were not as bad as mine. I soon found out that what was different was not the circumstances (which were as bad, or worse, as mine), but how these recovering persons looked at, and thought about, their situations. What was also different was that these hope-filled, people had come to believe in the strength of a Higher Power to aid them in detaching from their problems. To arrive at this spiritual place where you can laugh and take care of yourself in the midst of traumatic events requires attendance of many Twelve Step meetings (Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), hard work applying spiritual principles, and a lot of listening and sharing at meetings.

Why Go To Meetings?

Often persons new to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the Twelve Step programs for persons hurt by a relationship with an addict or alcoholic) are full of pain and despair and close to hopelessness. Fortunately, by attending Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings, the newcomer will hear real people sharing THEIR pain and despair and how they were able to overcome it in these programs. Thus, one can find a lot of hope just by attending these free and confidential meetings.

Turn It Over

What does it mean when a person in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) advises you to "turn it over", "it" being whatever crisis or problem that you are worrying about? The reference is, of course, to Step Three of the Twelve Steps of Recovery: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." The advice is meant to help you to recognize what you CAN change, namely, you and how you think and react, and what you CAN'T change, namely, other people and many events. A shorthand for this principle is to say: "God (or other Higher Power), I can't handle it; you can; I think I'll let you."

Focus on Yourself in Recovery

In recovery from the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, using Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) it is important to remember that the goal is not to get the addicted person into recovery (although that may be a wonderful bonus from our recovery). The goal is to focus on ourselves, finding out how our own thinking and acting have been adversely affected by addiction, and how to use the spiritually based Twelve Step principles to recover.

Allow Others to be

One of the best lessons to learn in recovery from the effects of a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic is to allow persons in your life to be the way they are (of course, protecting yourself from abusive situations). It is so difficult to let go of the natural instinct to fix people you care about or protect them from unwise decisions. The fact is, however, that adults cannot be controlled and must make their own (good or bad) decisions and learn from the consequences thereof. A consistent message of love and support to persons in your life can often be the basis of a closer relationship, than the relationship associated with attempts to control persons' behaviors.

Take your recovery seriously, but not yourself

Some good advice I heard way back is this: "Take your recovery seriously, but not yourself." It is a habit that we often get into, before finding a spiritual way out of the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, to have an overly grim, deadly serious way of thinking about life, with little room for humor or levity of any kind. I could not understand in my early recovery at meetings of Twelve Step Groups how people could laugh so much; maybe, I thought, their problems with addiction were not as bad as mine. I soon found out that what was different was not the circumstances (which were as bad, or worse, as mine), but how these recovering persons looked at, and thought about, their situations. What was also different was that these hope-filled, people had come to believe in the strength of a Higher Power to aid them in detaching from their problems. To arrive at this spiritual place where you can laugh and take care of yourself in the midst of traumatic events requires attendance of many Twelve Step meetings (Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), hard work applying spiritual principles, and a lot of listening and sharing at meetings.

Newcomers

Newcomers to recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) need to attend meetings, listen to others with experience in recovery, and learn from a sponsor (someone chosen by the newcomer to be a guide through the Twelve Steps of Recovery); in other words, newcomers need to be like students and absorb the lessons of recovery. Just like any other field, recovery has its own language and principles that need to be learned and understood. So, if you are new to recovery, keep an open mind and be willing to learn new ways to recover from the effects of addiction.

I Can Only Change ME

There is a fundamental principle in recovery using Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), namely, that the solution to all problems even those clearly caused by the irresponsible behaviors of an addict or alcoholic, lies within me. I am responsible for my atitudes and emotional reactions to all situations, and can, with spiritual help, including the help of others in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, resolve the situation by application of Twelve Step principles.

Self-Honesty

Self-honesty is the key to solid recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict). Much of the time what causes me distress is not what someone else does (for example, the addict or alcoholic), but how I react to it. How I feel is the result of how I think about a situation, not necessarily the situation itself. I need to be honest about my emotional and cognitive reactions, take responsibility for them, and then use a recovery principle to deal with whatever is happening. I can no longer dishonestly blame how I feel on something or someone else. I am responsible for how I feel and act.

Helping and Being Helped

When people arrive at Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), they are usually not very clear about how these self-help programs work, and after getting over the initial problem of asking for help, may think that receiving help is what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are all about. In fact, after a while, it becomes apparent that the most wonderful gift of all in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon recovery is the ability to help others. Helping others becomes the spiritual reward from working the program. Giving away the precious lessons learned in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon stregthens the donor and the recipient. That's how it works.

Love

The term "love" is used a lot these days. What is remarkable about the Twelve Step Programs of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) is that regardless of race, color, ethnicity, social station, wealth, etc., any person who seeks help for problems relating to a close relationship with an addict or alcoholic will get it. That's love on a practical, here and now, level, and it is priceless.

Serenity

We often see members of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) who are able to have a degree of serenity in their lives even though their alcoholic or addict is still in the middle of addiction, with resulting adverse effects on everyone involved. How is this possible? The answer is that the serenity is the result of many one-day-at-a-times using the spiritual tools of recovery, including prayer, meditation, study of literature, attendance of many meetings and there listening and sharing and learning. I have seen these miracles; they ARE miracles that are in no way lessened by the fact that they are the result of hard work.

Serenity

We often see members of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) who are able to have a degree of serenity in their lives even though their alcoholic or addict is still in the middle of addiction, with resulting adverse effects on everyone involved. How is this possible? The answer is that the serenity is the result of many one-day-at-a-times using the spiritual tools of recovery, including prayer, meditation, study of literature, attendance of many meetings and there listening and sharing and learning. I have seen these miracles; they ARE miracles that are in no way lessened by the fact that they are the result of hard work.

Support for Recovery

Where do I find the courage to do what I need to do to recover from living with a person with an addiction? There are two answers to this question. First and always, the strength will come from prayer and requests for strength to your Higher Power or source of spiritual strength. Remember you are seeking strength, not particular results. The second answer to the question is that you can find strength in the powers of example that you can find at any meeting of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict). Your Higher Power works through people, especially those in the rooms of recovery.

Spirituality

Persons new to recovery in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), are often confused by the spiritual aspects of the Twelve Step Programs. The most important thing to remember is that there is no pressure to adopt any particular approach to a Higher Power; that is why I speak about just trying to be open to the idea of developing a relationship with a source of spiritual strength that works for you. Some just start with the strength clearly present in their Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group, and go from there.

Serenity

Where do you find serenity? How do you get it? The answer at times seems to be by getting others to think the way you do, or agree with you, etc. But control over others or externals is never the answer. The place to find serenity is within; by accepting what you can change, with some spiritual help: you and how you react to realities of life. Therein lies serenity.

Resentments

It is certainly common and understandable for a person who has been in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic to have a lot of resentments and anger. The best way to begin to rid onseself of these negative burdens is to share about them at meetings of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict). Another way is to think about how the person who may be the subject of the negative thoughts is certainly not affected by your continuing to harbor them; in other words you are in effect allowing yourself to be controlled by someone else who may have no clue or even memory of the event. So, there are a lot of reasons to let go of resentments, but it takes hard work.

No Need to Create a Crisis for the Alcoholic

There is often unfortunate advice given to those in rlationship with an alcoholic or addict to cause some sort of negative consequence to help the addicted person to decide to seek help. This advice is understandable, but not sound. What is needed is evidence from the addicted person's own behavior freely entered into without external manipulation or causation. We do not want to provide an excuse to the creatively tricky mind of the alcoholic or addict that the negative consequence was someone else's fault. The dire event must be his/her own doing. As is commonly said in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), there is no need to create a crisis for the addicted person. He/she will inevitably cause a crisis on his/her own.

Relapse

How do I handle a relapse into drug or alcohol use by the addict or alcoholic whom I am in relationship with, after he/she has had a period of abstinence? The first thing to remind myself of is that the relapse happened to him/her, not to me, and that I need not have my own relapse into self-pity or attempting to fix or control the problem. I need to go to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) and share about the relapse with other members and with my sponsor (the person I have chosen to guide me through the 12 Steps, and in my recovery). Persons with the disease of addiction can relapse. I need to continue to work on my own recovery and avoid my own relapses.

Self-Honesty

Living with addiction in someone close results in focus on the addicted person, on surviving, on trying to reduce the damage caused by addiction, etc., meaning that you rarely focus on yourself, who you are, what your needs are, how your thinking and behavior may have become a part of the addiction problem without your knowledge. The point here is that one of the major tasks of recovery is to learn self-honesty; to learn who you are and what about you that you wish to change. One of the best ways to find out these things is to attend a lot of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict); there you will see yourself mirrored in others who share their journey in recovery. There you will also find the hope and strength to begin to know yourself and change.

The First Step of Recovery

Step One of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict) says "We admitted were powerless over alcohol--that our lives has become unmanageable." The concept of powerlessness is the key to recovery from the effects of a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, and the key to an emotionally balanced and spiritually based life. Being powerless over whatever is causing you pain, frees you to seek and accept help. Self-sufficiency and a determination to handle the problem on your own, can block your ability to be open for help from others in recovery and from God or other source of spiritual strength. Once open to receive the spiritual help available in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, you can then use that help to give you access to all of the innate strengths that you possess. So, being powerless gives you strength.

Control Issues?

The person new to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), has survived living with addiction, but at a great personal effort. One of the symptoms of this effort is a profound determination that I will be in control of events so that I can help others in my family hurt by addiction, even perhaps the addict or alcoholic. How difficult it is for the newcomer to accept the suggestions that he/she turn it over, let go and let God, keep it simple, mind you own business, etc. The best advice I have for the new person is to keep coming back, attend a lot of meetings, until you can begin to understand the strength there is in giving up control.

KISS

A commonly heard piece of advice in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the 12 Step groups for persons in relationship with an alcoholic or addict), is "Keep it simple", often supplemented with the word "stupid", because it makes for a cute acronym: KISS. The point, however, is that often in early recovery, the newcomer can get confused with all the information available in the Twelve Step Program. So, it is advisable to keep it simple and latch on to a recovery principle that will guide you, such as, "the only person I can change is me", or "Let Go and Let God."